from Ed in Red)
Tue, 10 Aug
... Here is my experience with our TT meeting on August 5th.
TTP – The importance of SVO (present tense)
I commit to SVO (present tense). I think about our TTP meeting on August
5th. Ed discusses the importance of SVO (present tense) before the
meeting. I understand how SVO (present tense) keeps you in the NOW. As I
think about the words I write and the speech I use, I stay in the now. I
use SVO (present tense) in everything I say, write and think. I stay
focused. I am ready to act, now. I speak less. I use fewer words. I
communicate more effectively. I feel confident. SVO (present tense) is
the most direct form of communication in the English language.
I see how SVO (present tense) it is in line with trend following. As I
back test my trading system with fewer rules, very clear, very simple
rules along with a more diversified portfolio, I realize a system that
feels right for me. My system evolves, as I do.
Thank you for the lesson, Ed.
present in the present
the present you present.
Tue, 10 Aug
Strangers Latest Craze for Singles
Reuters: Mon Aug 9, 2004
the chance to meet someone was a consideration in attending a cuddle
in a way are looking for a connection," said Fernando.
"It's weird, but not unusual."
A man named
Dwayne H., who described himself as introverted, said he thought the
parties would help him relax before strangers and help him express his
"I have a
problem showing emotion," he said.
TTP helps people develop connection skills and emotional expression
Mon, 9 Aug
Thank you for effecting my life in such positive ways. The Incline
Village Trading Tribe is a special brotherhood of traders dedicated to
personal integrity. For the first time in my life I feel I am
emotionally and mechanically prepared to ride trends ...
When joining the tribe my goals were to increase understanding of
trading and decrease personal drama. It may take years to achieve these
goals; however, the tribe has brought me closer to accomplishing them. I
am thankful and proud to have been a member of The Incline Village
Sun, 8 Aug
Ed Says: Just about everything works once in a
Betting Everything You Have on the Six (dice)
I look for a robust, reliable method. I choose ... 1 hour charts. I
can't beat commissions in this frame. Then I proceed to daily charts (18
years of history) and I work with a simple breakout method. System
starts to show a profit and I feel it's quite robust. Actually, I like
the logic and simplicity of breakouts.
Then I proceed to include some add-ons such as a momentum entry filters
and volatility based exits, in the hope to reduce drawdown. The overall
end performance I get with add-ons cannot outperform a simple breakout
I am not sure whether I qualify as a trading dummy.
you experiment and test various systems - and as you work to free your
self from drama, your trading system and you as a trader tend to
converge toward something that works.
can't figure out the markets
doesn't even try.
just follows the trends.
Sun, 08 Aug 2004
Dear Mr. Seykota,
Firstly, I would just like to say thank you for a very informative and
As I understand the TT process, it is to encourage participants to truly
feel so called "bad" feelings. This avoids negative dramas
engineered by Fred (because people are unwilling to feel their feelings
and are thus forced into feeling them by Fred) from occurring in real
My question is - if one deliberately avoids feeling "good"
feelings, then will Fred engineer dramas or situations in real life
which force one to feel those "good" feelings?
Since all feelings are our friends and it is the objective of Fred to
make us feel them, this surely must be the case?
Apologies if this has been asked before, but it only occurred to me
and Bad indicate judgment, and are not part of TTP.
is a feelings pump. When we are unwilling to experience a feeling,
Fred keeps raising the pressure, typically by engineering drama.
you become willing to experience all your feelings, good and bad cease
the culturally prevalent model of good and bad feelings, we are willing
to experience the good ones, so they pass without much event.
a feelings pump
Sat, 7 Aug 2004
Dear Mr. Seykota,
When testing and using a moving-average crossover system like Donchian's
20 & 5 system, where would you recommend to set the initial risk
stop? Below or above the slow moving average or below the nearest
support or resistance on the chart after you get a buy or sell signal?
Thank you for your help. Yours sincerely.
5-and-20 system signals when the 5-day moving average crosses the 20-day
signals appear after the close, for entry on the following opening.
might also pre-compute the price at which the averages cross, and enter
that price as a stop on the close.
is no provision on the 5-and-20 day system for an initial risk stop,
other than that inherent in the averages.
Sat, 7 Aug 2004
Aug. 7, 2004
Morgen, morgen nur nicht heute, sagen alle faulen Leute . That is
another version of the round TUIT coin I adopt as currency too often.
I stand up in front of my fellow Oct. '03 workshop participants and make
a commitment about discipline. On Dec. 31, '03 I write a proclamation
(number 7) about discipline with respect to trading and healthy eating.
I am not honest with
my fellow workshop participants, my local tribe members or myself. This
year my trading is mediocre at best and I put on 1.5 stone in weight
rather than lose it.
What is my point.. what am I doing wrong, WHY WHY WHY. I attend regular
TTP sessions and overall my life is great. I have tremendous support
from my family and local tribe, however TTP is not 'fixing' certain
things. I often use the metaphor of not firing on all cylinders and that
is still the case. There are many positive results, yet a few slips of
discipline i.e a missed signal, a doughnut instead of an apple, a stop
not executed et. al. can alter the overall results tremendously.
Do you hear of other regular TTP participants that make progress and
have many positive results from the work, yet are frustrated at not
overcoming the obstacles that stand between them and being great?
I believe results =
intentions. I have no excuse for undisciplined trading / eating,
continue to attend meetings, but find myself asking why it is not
working for me. I know it is a contradiction to accept TTP principles
yet also ask why.
lies in not getting the results I want, yet I am responsible for the
results. I go to the hot seat time and time again, but there is no
huge AHA that finally puts me on a different path. In one of the
pollinator articles the author mentions the power of 'won't' with respect to
change. I have the power in Olympic proportions until NOW when won't
changes to will.
I realize my work with TTP is an ongoing process. There are 2 main
reasons I write in today. The first is to re-commit NOW to my fellow
workshop attendees and more importantly to myself. I commit to
disciplined trading and healthy eating. I vividly see my snapshot and
everyday work toward that goal. The second reason is to wish you a very
gets what they want.
too are getting what you want, including getting to pretend you are not
getting what you want. This drama may help justify your
might take your feelings of frustration into the process.
you really want to lose weight, study slim people.
Short-Term Weight Loss Plan ...
in an elevator ...
take it down, to a lower floor.
Fri, 6 Aug 2004
Hi Ed !
What a week in the stock market ! Glad my accounts are 85% cash.
Trading tends to keep you out of the markets, and safe during severe
Fri, 6 Aug 2004
I keep trying to recall whether your birthday is Aug 2 or Aug 6. Hopefully
I get it right that it is Aug 6, and happy birthday! (If not, still happy
The interesting thing I notice is that I thought about this before Aug 2,
and at that time, somehow I decided to wait till Aug 6. But after Aug 2, I
feel that if it were indeed Aug 2, I'd have missed it. So for the last
three days (Aug 3-5), somehow I keep "regretting" because I feel
an increasing chance that I am wrong. (Even now I think I'm probably wrong
and it is Aug 2) It's like being in a trade that each day I keep thinking
I've made the wrong choices.
Yeah, lots of feelings...I know I know, take it to TTP. (BTW, I've had a
very intense session this week in the tribe meeting, and I'm writing down
in my journal. I'd like to share it with you later on after I organize it)
Thanks for teaching us all these techniques to get in touch with our
One thought just crosses my mind - what if it is neither Aug 2 nor Aug 6?
I never thought about that possibility ...
might have a look at the importance you place on guessing the
birthday is August 7.
Thu, 5 Aug 2004
In TTP we experience and explore our feelings, never asking questions. We
let our feelings out and do not judge them. So we just experience the
feeling until it is released.
The release process is
similar to the release of tensions that we feel from a good exercise
Especially in yoga the
continual stretching releases muscular knots and tensions. You state that
TTP supports yoga.
Is the TTP process
that much different than exercise release as we do not ask why or explore
the reasons behind our feelings.
devotees strive to learn and master classic Yoga postures.
forms arise naturally, from internal k-nots. TTP forms tend to
synthesize automatically into composite forms that bear a resemblance to
classic Yoga postures.
Wed, 4 Aug 2004
In Easan's "Discovery" post on the Pollinators page, he asserts;
"Ed shares these discoveries whole-heartedly, as he often notices
teaching releases him from the burden of knowledge, and opens up mental
and emotional space for more discoveries."
This statement is very interesting to me. Please explain more about this
put more water in a glass, first, empty it.
river conducts more water
does a glass,
a very large glass.
Here is an essay describing my hot seat experience from a few weeks ago.
A Half-a-Yoga Experience.
Half-a-Yoga and polarity processes are fascinating and new extensions of
these experiences opposing but related feelings are reunited, released,
and recomposed. The feelings
are expressed in physical forms, some of which, are yoga postures.
When the opposing feelings are reunited, the old forms and feelings
lose their charge and their influence on our behavior is lessened.
However, it is important to remember that the old feelings are
not removed. Instead, they are reframed into a useful team that allows one
to be ever more present without interference from associated drama.
background of my drama is related to my name.
[Same as a famous person] Growing up with this famous name
was not easy. I was
frequently made fun of by other kids at school.
It was especially difficult for me around the 6th grade
when I changed schools and was the new kid.
The one event that really defines this drama was roll call at the
beginning of this particular school year.
At each class throughout the day, roll was called and when my name
was announced everyone would burst out laughing.
This made me feel very embarrassed and humiliated.
These experiences have had a tremendous effect on my behavior and
self-perception for nearly twenty years.
the July 8, 2004, meeting of the Incline Village Trading Tribe, I
participated in a Half-a-Yoga polarity process of these feelings.
Early in the meeting, a visiting member of the [City] Tribe was on
the hot seat. There was
something in his experience that triggered a memory of my name drama.
I brought up this fact and the Tribe soon had me on the hot seat.
At first, I was describing the drama through conscious mind, and
found it difficult getting an entry point into the feelings.
The Tribe was quick to seize on the fact that it was the
embarrassment from teasing that set me off.
By making fun of my name, I was able to quickly get into the
feelings. It was like a time
warp and I was back in the 6th grade all over again.
The feelings of embarrassment and humiliation were as real as they
could be and I went into my first form by crunching my head to my
knees while pulling on my hair.
made my way to the floor of the room and the Tribe lead me through a maze
of feelings and forms.
these forms felt violent. From
flopping around like a fish out of water to intense flexing of muscles
while screaming as loudly as possible.
The Tribe lead me on, encouraging to let it all out and go wherever
the feelings would lead. My memory of my actual thoughts at this time are vague.
I was simply focusing on the feelings and felt them for what they
I recall a desire to express the feelings in more traditional yoga poses.
I have practiced yoga for many years so these poses were not new to
me. The decision to express
through yoga was not a conscious one. It just happened and felt “right.” It was what my body felt like doing. By focusing on the feelings while in the yoga postures, I
felt an intense release of the feelings.
was like an incredibly heavy load was taken off my back. Nearing completion of the process, I remember Ed telling me, “there
is something that your body wants to do to put all of these feeling
together. Do it now!”
can distinctly remember wanting to do a headstand, but my conscious mind
was telling me, “don’t do it.”
At first, I held back. In
my mind, I feared the spot light and the attention that it would bring to
me. This was just like how I
felt during roll call. I ran
through the feelings: embarrassment, humiliation, fear.
In an instant, I was on my head, upside down, experiencing a
balance I cannot describe in words. Rocking
back and forth, legs over the head, legs back to parallel with floor, I
found balance and harmony in the moment.
have known of this name drama for many years.
I initially identified this issue while working with [Therapist].
She is an NLP specialist and she helped me see how this was a big
drama in my life. However, we
went no further then identifying the drama.
Identifying a drama does not resolve the drama.
my experience in the hot seat, I had not felt the feelings.
They were still very much alive and influencing my behavior.
In his essay, Discovery, Easan Katir states many important
points regarding the polarity process.
He says, “The emotions a sender feels are one part of a dipole.
There is another part of the knot, another emotion, which is the
set up for the first.” He
continues, “So the suppressed emotion arising by itself is not the
complete event. It extrudes
from some other emotion. The only insulator between them (emotions) is the
concept of time, or more precisely, the partitioning thought ‘not now.’
The unwillingness to face the second part of the dipole in the
present is what creates the seeming future.”
my own experiences over many years, I felt humiliation and embarrassment
during introductions. I
wanted to avoid introductions at all costs.
Eventually, I became
very fearful of meeting new people and thus had a difficult time at social
events and I avoided them. It
is very difficult to meet new people and build relationships when you are
afraid of being humiliated by everyone.
is quite clear to me now why I have been reclusive in my behavior.
I have been influenced all of these years by disassociated but
clearly connected feelings of humiliation and fear.
ran my life. Now, the
feelings have been felt and reunited.
I have a new sense of who [I am], and I am quite happy to be
myself. If others want to
make fun of my name they may do so. Just being myself is a very liberating
experience that I am still enjoying weeks after the hot seat.
Have the feelings been removed? No. As Ed would say, “this
is not feeling-ectomy.” The
feelings have been united into a team that is my ally.
The team reminds me of how liberating it is to be the one and only
[me]. I am eternally thankful
for the support and encouragement of the Trading Tribe.
I could not have done it myself.
with a Smile
Tue, 3 Aug 2004
I sent you an e-mail last Saturday. Unfortunately, they did not reach you.
So I try again, now.
Thank you for your time on July 22. Per our conversation, I am applying
for membership to the IV trading tribe. I attached three, one page word
documents for your review. I am available during the week from 7:30am to
4:30pm for a telephone conversation / interview.
Moreover, during our conversation we discussed your intentions on creating
a trading tribe that manages money. I had a light, white buzzing feeling
in my chest as you spoke, I loved the feeling. I want to be a part of your
organization, so I also apply for this as well, now.
My Trading Rationale.
I have experience on the “sell” side and on the “buy” side of the
business. The trading desks I’ve experienced have focused on short-term
trading, making markets to clients, moving size, and arbitraging. In the
corporate world (the buy side), I’ve moved large blocks of currencies
through the inter-dealers, and have dealt with phone clerks and traders on
the floor of commodities exchanges.
In my experience, I’ve witnessed long-term trend followers and I believe
the benefits of following trends. In the past 2 years, I’ve read and
studied trend following strategies and began trading a medium term trend
following program less than a year ago. As a former sell side commodities
trader, I’m comfortable using stop-losses, and I willingly accept these
losses, because I know in the long run, I’ll win. My win/loss ratio is
~35%; my winners are significantly larger than my losses.
I studied charts extensively throughout my career but had no understanding
of how to back-test ideas. In 2002, I purchased trading recipes. I use
this software to back test ideas. It is an excellent tool for money
management but has limitations, like back testing trade ranking and
I trade a systematic mechanical breakout system. This is a long/short
system based on 89-day highs and lows, followed with an initial 3-day
lowest low or highest high stop, then when the 13-day low or high passes
the initial stop the 13-day low or high becomes my stop. I originally
traded a few sectors - financial futures, energies/metals and currencies
with this method. I recently back tested a larger more diversified
portfolio and I am finding that 89/13 might be too short a time horizon
for me. In any case, I continue to trade this system and will make
modifications as I learn more and build confidence in my system.
In summary, I follow trends, I cut my losses short, I have rules
surrounding my entrances and exits, I manage bet size on each trade, I
love to trade, and I love to win.
12/03 – [Name] Management, LLC – Created CPO in January of 2004. Pool
follows a medium-term systematic trend following program. Prospecting high
net worth individuals in the ... area.
10/01 – 12/03 [Name] Corporation – Implemented and managed global
foreign exchange hedging program (~10 countries, ~$2 billion program).
Implemented and managed fixed income investment portfolio (board approved,
~$1.5 billion portfolio). Implemented and managed equity portfolio (~$100
million), writing covered calls, liquidating positions, and acquiring
positions in new target companies. Implemented and managed global cash
7/99 – 10/01 [Name], Inc – Implemented and managed global foreign
exchange hedging program (board approved, ~20 countries, ~$10 billion
program) using forwards, plain vanilla and exotic options. Created and
still maintain relationships with major currency dealers (Goldman, Sachs
& Co, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, Citigroup, and Morgan Stanley)
5/98 – 7/99 [Company] – Currency training program (3 months) –
currency trader. Made markets in spot, forward and options markets. Worked
customer orders. Traded short-term proprietary positions.
9/96 – 5/98 [Name] Business School, MBA, double major in financial
engineering and international economics, Interned at [Firm]. Focused on
spot currencies, forwards and options for G7 and emerging market
1/95 – 9/96 [Commission House] – Silver trader. Made markets on spot
prices, arbitraged spot vs. futures (EFP’s), worked customer orders,
traded short-term proprietary positions.
9/93 – 1/95 Independent Trader – Short-term floor trader – traded
futures and options on energies, metals, coffee, sugar, cocoa, OJ and
5/91 – 9/93 [Commission House] – Junior metals trader. Made markets on
spot prices, arbitraged spot vs. futures (EFP’s), worked customer
orders, and acted as floor arbitrage clerk for both NY and London dealers.
9/87 – 5/91 [Name] University – BS finance, Varsity Lacrosse for 2
years. Big brother mentor for 4 years. Worked summers at [Broker].
84 – 91 [Broker] - summer employment during high school and college.
Began as a runner on a fixed income floor, ended as a junior trader on
[Firm] metals desk.
My Understanding and
Experience with the Trading Tribe Process.
TTP begins with a group of like-minded individuals; in our case, these
individuals are traders. The group believes that clear communication
between Fred and CM is instrumental in realizing ones full potential, as a
trader, a tribe member, and as a human being. Members of a trading tribe
are proficient in their understanding of TTP, are caring of other members,
are non-judgmental of other members, are committed to constant attendance
and participation, and are committed to personal growth as well as tribe
Each session begins with check-in. During check-in, each member describes
his or her current feelings. Feelings are described in detail using
colors, shapes, sizes, weights, motions, and locations (ex. I feel good. I
feel a warm buzzing feeling around my heart, it has a reddish, yellow glow
to it and it pulses with my breathing. The warmth wells up my chest and
flows out of my face; I smile. This is my ‘feel good’ feeling.)
Sometimes members check-in by describing lingering, slight feelings felt
at that moment but were experienced more intensely between the last tribe
meeting and this one, this feeling might be a concern for the member and
are sometimes excellent entrance points for the hot seat (ex. I bought
Crude on Tuesday, it made historical highs, and right after I got long, I
had a burning tight feeling in my stomach, I didn’t like the feeling, I
still feel it a little, now.)
Once check-in is complete, we take a few minutes to exercise our breathing
techniques, this helps us to clear our minds and focus on TTP. After
breathing, we drum. Drumming seems to synchronize group rhythm. A high
feeling check-in is usually followed by a deep, primal drumming session. I
love to drum.
After drumming, the floor opens for members to take the hot seat. The hot
seat is where members experience and send their feelings to the fullest
degree. Other members, act as receivers during this process. Receivers
assist a sender to stay focused on feelings. Receivers also encourage a
sender to feel their feelings more intensely, supportive words like “yes”,
“That’s it, stay with it”, “It’s okay, to feel this way”, and
“You’ve wanted to feel this for a long time”, are examples of verbal
support associated with a receiver. Moreover, the receivers can mimic the
motions of a sender; this sometimes helps a receiver stay in tune with a
Usually, after a
sender has experienced feelings with the support of a tribe, “aha’s”
happen. Aha’s are experienced when a feeling passes and answers or ideas
of answers come flying into CM. Actually, it is at this moment when Fred
and CM are communicating with virtually no distractions.
It is a moment of
clarity. Once Fred and CM have communicated, the sender now has new
positive energy surrounding the issue. Progress is made, not only for the
sender but for receivers as well. Sometimes, senders experience several
different feelings before aha’s, judges sometimes distract senders from
experiencing feelings. Sometimes an aha is a feeling passing, no answers
or ideas of answers, no apparent solution (I use that word loosely), the
feeling as passed, that might be the aha – Fred just wanted you to
experience the feeling. It is imperative that a sender and receivers are
committed to experience feelings.
After our meeting, we drum, and check-out. Check-outs are sometimes more
relaxed and motivated than check-ins, perhaps due to TTP.
Tue, 3 Aug 2009
Ed, I visited with you in your home in 1998. The purpose of this visit was
an in-person consultation to discuss trend trading.
I learned many things
about myself, my trading style and goals on that visit. Again, I thank
you. My intention is to have a phone consultation with you. I now have a
CTA company and am working with my son as I planned when I visited with
you. My difficulty lies in the ambiguity or variances I see when we
The combined charts of
nearest futures, the nearby and the next distant contract often show
considerable pattern and price differences causing me to freeze in
indecision and miss potentially profitable trades.
This seem to have
become more prevalent lately especially in the physical commodities.
Perhaps it is part psychological because we are in the worst major
drawdown of our two year career, we were up over 60 percent in our first
23 months before this recent period.
My trading system is
well defined with a small discretionary component. I would also like to
briefly discuss client relations and risk management also. All of the
answers to the questions we discussed in 1998 were so correct and proved
to be of great help.
I often to this day
think of that meeting and review it as if it were somehow recorded in my
brain. I could use your insight. Thanks
me some examples of the kind of price behavior you associate with
the retainer instructions at Private Consulting at the bottom of the
Ground Rules page.
Mon, 2 Aug 2004
Hi Ed !
I feel good teaching yoga.
Half-a-Yoga Process seems to resolve into meditative yoga.
the Essential Tribe
We are very tired in the photo but, here is my "Family the Essential
greatest accomplishments seem to occur without much participation from CM.
Mon, 2 Aug 2004
Split-adjusted Data Looks into Non-Existing Future
Dear Chief Ed,
A warning for system developers...
Split-adjusted stock data inherently looks into the non-existing future
because it adjusts for splits that have not now occurred. This means
that if you reward low prices (or ATR etc.) in portfolio or trade
selection, your simulation will give overly optimistic results. You get
amazing results when you combine a long term trend following system with a
stock selection algorithm that that tends to select stocks that are going
to split many times during a 15 year test run.
Thankfully I learn a lot from my first physics recitation at MIT in which
we answer the question "how much does the Great Dome weigh?" I
learn the idea of determining what is reasonable from crude estimation.
Since the results of my test are much better than I expect, I am alert to
the possibility of a bug. I am unable to find any bugs in my testing code,
but I do notice a that I am dividing a percentage change by an ATR in one
of my system's formulas. That is odd, but it doesn't look into the future.
I correct the formula to what I originally intend. Results decline
dramatically. I ponder this. Then I experience an AHA. My code does not
look into the future, but my data does! I am careful to avoid using
absolute prices in the future, but I make a typo and do it again. After
burning myself with variations of this error twice, I rewrite my custom
testing software to use actual, non-adjusted data. Handling splits is a
pain, but I find the extra realism and safety against looking into the
"future" it allows to be more than worth the trouble.
A small TTP success...
I am attending TTP meetings since May. TTP helps me identify a fear that
is preventing me from trading my father-in-law's account. I remember
my father ridicules me when I am in the second grade for making a B minus
because it is almost a C. I think Fred fears ridicule by a father
figure for being right less than 80% of the time. I can trade my own
account profitably being right only 40-45% of the time, but I can't pull
the trigger in my father-in-law's account because he will see how often I
am wrong. I decide to discuss the issue with my father-in-law. He is
actually quite supportive. I still have some issues with managing his
money, but the fear of being wrong no longer bothers me like it did before
I took it to TTP.
P.S. The correct average attendance figure for the Cary, NC group is now
3. Meetings are now alternate Wednesdays at 7:00pm. Contact is the same.
you are at it, you might notice that historical data bases drop de-listed
issues, so the data bases have a bias toward uppity up up and away
You Tune Your System
might not work so well on
Sun, 1 Aug 2004
Ed Says: When you are willing to experience your
mate just the way she is, she loses her power to control you and she
becomes your ally.
Your judgment of her judgment empowers it.
Talking about mates, I have had a great distress out of a conflicting
relationship with a girlfriend, over the past year and months.
seemingly could not sum up forces. As a matter of fact, I don't even know
what happened, as I tried to do my best to no avail. A lot of
opportunities to experience sadness and frustration. Fred is in the
I accept you, just the way you are, including the part of you that does
not accept me, then I offer intimacy.
less is an invitation to play games.
Sun, 1 Aug 2004
I remember you talk about how the things we don't accept have power over
us. The key is to accept things as they are, accept people as they are.
These have very profound impact in me. Here's a story I just come across,
and I think of your teachings as I read it:
"...My dad used to criticize me incessantly when I was a child. And
my constant question was, 'Why won't he just accept me as I am?' What I
didn't realize was that as long as I kept my attention on him, I was
literally keeping the whole destructive process in place.
The breakthrough came decades later. My father had continued to criticize
me of course, and I kept wanting him to stop it. In other words, I kept
wanting him to change. The breakthrough came in realizing that I was doing
to him exactly what I was accusing him of doing to me. That is, I wanted
him to change and be different, which was exactly his position towards me.
This realization was such a reversal of everything I had previously
thought about him that it just floored me. And it came none too soon - in
early 1984, just six months before my father died. In those last six
months, my father and I were able to heal our relationship. And here's how
As I realized that it was I who wasn't accepting him - specifically, that
I was not accepting his non-acceptance of me - I decided to accept my dad
exactly as he was, including his non-acceptance of me. I became much more
spacious towards my dad, because I no longer wanted him to be any
different. It became perfectly fine with me if my dad wanted to keep on
criticizing me; why should I want him to be any different?
My dad noticed this greater spaciousness coming from me towards him. He
definitely noticed it, because it began coming out in my speech and
actions and attitude. And guess what? The last thing I expected happened.
My dad began to respond to this increased spaciousness, and began to act
more spacious towards me.
Milabile dictu! Years of banging my head against the wall trying to get
him to change didn't work, yet once I accepted that he simply was as he
was, and stopped offering resistance to that, suddenly everything in our
Notice that the breakthrough didn't come from focusing on getting him
to act differently, or even from getting myself to act differently, but
rather, from an internal acceptance of reality as it is."
Thanks Ed! I appreciate it.
Sun, 1 Aug 2004
Waiting for FAQ
It's been a long wait since the 16 July '04 post.
Often during the waiting period, I re-visit your previous answers, and it
invariably gives me the inspiration I seek. (Everybody gets what they want
... ? )
( p.s. I am amazed by the fact that just reading your answers alone, is an
education by itself; sometimes the questions too, are insightful - )
Having had the privilege of reading [drafts of] your two books - I feel -
FAQ is a worthy sequel.
'.. abandon the position, not the process....,
transpose your position and metaform your
situation...... ' are the phrases from 'Meta - Formation of Winning' that
[meta = in place of + form = instance] (v) to change something by changing
only your own attitude about it.