|Sep 29, 2015
Tribe Meeting Report
4 members present, 3 apologies.
We start at 7:30 pm. It is a month since our last Tribe due to our host's holidays recently.
After drumming I try a new exercise "tell me about the most challenging experience of the last week" which does not work because people tell of challenges overcome and how they feel good about this. This makes no-one hot. Maybe next time I may try "tell me the most disconcerting experience of the last week".
This time when looking for hot seats I ask "do you have an issue you want to work on?" rather than "what are you hot about?' on the theory that people tend to glibly deny being hot when they have real issues. This seems to work OK.
#1 Still working to finish some paid work before resuming trading. Feels pretty good.
#6 Things are going well - his last hot seat and some other things help him at work and things are going well. He seems quite enthused about improving himself, like he is on a roll.
#3. I have a long chat with an old school friend, who is interested in Holotropic Breathwork, the day before Tribe. He mentioned something disturbing that happens to me about 40 years ago. I have a pretty bad (dysfunctional) relationship and I drift along in life. After this discussion, last night I have lots of nightmares and I when I wake up I feel dark, sinister, gloomy, defeated. It bothers me.
After hearing #10's issue below I decide to go first then #10.
I have two shots at the hot seat. The first time I become quite hot and recall feeling the same way after my grandmother dies. But I feel not quite right as this issue comes up so many times in the past, and I have another shot at it. This time I see a kind of evil demon.
I don't know where I first felt like this, other than - to a degree - the same time again when my grandmother died. So we go with reenacting the first scenario of my grandmother dying.
Mom donates the old strategy after Dad tells us of the death of our grandmother.
1. Terrible things happen in your life.
2. You can never get away from them, they will keep haunting you, cast a pall on your life, and you cannot process them.
3. When you do a bad thing you are forever guilty.
4. Try to pretend these things aren't there.
5. You are alone and others won't help you.
I feel very upset when we reenact this after I get the old rock.
Then we come up with some new ideas.
1. Use your empathy with the other people around you. For example in the original situation my mother feels devastated. In some sense I know this but I don't do anything with that information. If I see she is sad then I can see through her instructions not to feel sad "because she is heaven".
2. It is OK to be sad.
3. You can process the feeling if you let yourself feel it. Once you process it you can deal with it, and learn from it.
4. Making a mistake does not invalidate you forever.
We reenact and I refuse the old rock with appreciation. When going through life experiences with the new rock, I notice the demonic figure turns into a harmless plastic party mask. I recall my observation during holotropic breath work that "evil" is usually a mistake of some kind (eg just some side of a person that they are uncomfortable with, or an attempt to be impressive and significant by being Dr Evil, etc). In the original situation both of us did bad things, but we were doing the best we could in the circumstances. I don't feel guilty about it any more.
#10 Getting fed up with the endless challenges and delays associated with moving to a new country. The red tape, not knowing the easy ways around things, cash flow issues as his contracting money gets held up by red tape. The children are picking up on this and are playing up in the school holidays (eg running around the hardware store creating havoc).
Most of these issues seem like "life" not rocks, except for the children. He asks them to stop, gives ultimatums, eventually loses his temper and shouts. We go with that. At the peak, he recalls a time driving with his Dad when he wants to go a certain way and his Dad wants to go more directly. He keeps badgering his Dad and eventually his Dad explodes and starts shouting in a frightening way.
We identify that HS has the old strategy from his Dad.
1. Don't listen to the other person. Ignore them.
2. Bottle it up and/or don't respond to them.
3. Eventually and suddenly explode and terminate the issue.
We reenact and HS decides he wants to do better. We reenact in an unusual way because the original scene had HS's father actually as the one in the situation, by virtue of which he trains HS to do the same thing. HS plays the role of his Dad - which seems to work OK.
He decides on
1. Listen to the other people. Understand their perspective, and tell them how you feel.
2. Come to an agreement that works for everyone.
3. Stick to the deal and hold others to the deal, in an assertive manner. You don't need to be aggressive usually, just firm.
4. The explosions result from not being assertive early enough.
We also have some discussion. During the discussion HS seems to have issues about being assertive.
We talk about the FAQ theory of private property rules, also natural consequences in relationships and with children (as opposed to 'punishments'), the book "Parent Effectiveness Training" which expresses a very similar theory, etc.
We reenact and HS seems happy with the outcome. On checkout, from playing the father in the second reenactment, I feel he took on this strategy without thinking about it and never asked whether it was a good strategy. Later on I think we could have reenacted the scenes with the children as well to help HS practice his new skills. But he seems to be a quick learner.
On checkout from the tribe meeting at 10pm, we all feel happy with our processes today. I express admiration for Member #10 for going for it in his first hot seat.
I feel that today I have the right balance in facilitating the process without pushing people to do what they aren't willing to do. When things work it does feel like magic, easy.